My dog, Bella, is around 16 years old and it’s safe to say her age is showing. She has been deaf for a few years now. She has cataracts that make her vision hazy. She has arthritis in her spine and front paws, with a lot of muscle atrophy in her back hips. She is very frail and weak. She struggles sometimes to get up and walk, and she falls over more often than I like to admit.
But she still shows me that she is happy. Or at least that is how I interpret it. She eats her food (that I have to supplement with soft gravy-covered bits in order to entice her). She drinks her water. She enjoys sunshine and sniffing the bushes. She will loyally come to me when asked, looking for rewards in the form of ear scratches and belly rubs. And every night, she is ready for her favorite time of day: lying next to me (on top of me?) in bed.
I feel like I can tell from her eyes if she is happy or not. On bad days, she looks at me with sad eyes that show me confusion and pain. It’s as if she is saying, “Mommy, why do I feel this way?” But other days her face is bright and relaxed. She seems ok, content at least.
Have I seen her run or play or jump or even shake and scratch at her ears? No, not in years honestly.
Ask ten different people, and get ten different answers on if it’s her time to go. Most online questionnaires designed to help quantify quality of life have her scoring low, but not quite in the “consider euthanasia” category. Yet…
Well, yesterday Bella started limping VERY badly. She clearly doesn’t want to put any weight on one of her front paws. It seems inflamed and swollen to me. No recent injury that I can attest to – she doesn’t do much. Paw pads seem fine. My guess is her arthritis has worsened.
But with Bella now unable to walk, I am again left staring her quality of life in the face. I have carried her up and down the stairs and outside to the grass for the past 12 hours. She’s been reclusive in her kennel, and clearly resistant to moving due to her obvious pain. This is not a quality of life I feel she should sustain. Do I finally have my sign that it is her time?
Yes, that’s right. I have been praying for a sign to know when it’s her time. Bella is stoic, and loyal to me to the very end. How can I decide to end her life when she still looks at me, tail wagging, ready to go upstairs for a cuddle? But there is a piece of me that knows she is suffering, and the wondering and waiting is emotionally exhausting for me. I find myself looking forward to the relief I might feel to know she is no longer in pain.
But the finality of the choice is breathtaking. There is no going back once that medication is pushed. And I am so fearful of the overwhelming sadness I know will come once I cross that unforgiveable line. She will become forever a memory and nothing more. How can I ever be ready for that?
My mind is racing around and round, trying to figure out what to do. For now, I’m taking her to the vet and we will discuss everything further. I don’t even know what kind of news I’m looking for, but I am hopeful it comes with peace of mind…
EDIT: my vet said, “She’ll be ready when I’m ready.” A dog’s loyal till the end.